“God sort of forgot to mention that while he wasn’t technically *wrong* that the promised land belonged to the Israelites, it *may* have been misleading for him to neglect to mention that there were already people *living* in the Promised Land, and that the Israelites would have to do a fair bit of smiting on their own account if they wanted to get rid of them. So Israel comes up against yet another tribe, and God is like “look, here’s how this is going to go: as long as Moses holds his arms above his head, you guys will be winning the battle. If he drops his arms, you’ll start to lose.” The casual observer may note that, if God is all powerful, he could make this a lot easier for everyone by simply ordaining that the Israelites win. Like two chapters ago, he made the ground swallow up *a whole extended family* of Israelites who kept some fucking goblets or some bullshit from the enemy’s plunder, so it’s not a logistical problem. But leveling that objection just shows that you *really* haven’t read the bible like… ever. Anyone who has ever read the Old Testament will back me up on this: look, you just have to take it as a given that God is a GIANT, giant asshole, and that’s never really explained but seriously, this is small potatoes comparatively speaking.” – The whole situation proceeds with everyone complying with God’s ridiculous, high-functioning-autist-type demands and things are going relatively well, but they hit a problem when Moses’ arms start getting tired. Because he’s been standing on top of a cliff overlooking a fucking thirteenth-century-BC battle for like twelve hours with his hands above his head, because God told him to for no conceivable reason. God just felt like it. Moses tries to give his arms a break, and God’s like “OH, YOU DIDN’T THINK I MEANT IT BECAUSE I TOTALLY MEANT IT, HOW ABOUT YOU GUYS ARE *LOSING NOW* OOOOOH PEOPLE ARE DYING, GUESS YOU BETTER PUT YOUR ARMS BACK UP MOSES” (basically God is kanye west but omnipotent and probably white) and Moses is like “motherfucker.” The whole thing ends with Aaron (Moses’ half-brother and personal assistant) and the Assistant to the Personal Assistant holding up Moses’ arms, which I guess God decided to accept as valid. The best part is that the whole Pentateuch is God pulling these sorts of ridiculous shenainegans, and then getting whiney and jealous that they Israelites are a bit fed up. After all of the things I had to learn growing up, I feel that it could all be condensed to this: Old Testament God is like dating a white 30 year old DJ with a journalism degree from an expensive liberal arts college who has supreme power over all of the laws of the natural world. New Testament God is like dating a 30 year old DJ with an international relations degree from a shitty state college who *could* use his supreme power over the laws of the natural world, but is going to passive-agressively guilt you into doing all of the things he wants to have done instead. – DANIELLE, edwardsaidruinedthenutcracker.tumblr.com http://ift.tt/1MMCxLq


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